---

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

Nonesense and blather

Oh boy! Tell us more!

About obnoxious ideas

We've heard before.

 

We'll smile and nod

And pretend to be there

And let's all imagine

That we really care.

 

We'll make up a grocery list,

And act like it's notes.

Look up and smile,

And laugh at your jokes.

 

But what you are advocating,

We'll never really use.

Just enduring your lecture

Was bordering abuse.

 

Obviously your Power Point

Was made in two seconds;

No colors, no graphics

Just acronym gimics.

 

You act like you're brilliant

And to us, you rehearse

How this one little handout

Is changing the univserse!

 

And we really believe you,

No really, we do!

Beause we know this "universe"

Includes only you!

 

So thanks for the info

We're sure to forget it

We're sure to go home

And chuck it or shred it

 

So it's sure been nice!

We really enjoyed it!

Thanks for your lecture!

We all thought it was brilliant!

 

I was reading these stories on Baby Center

About new parent "learning experiences" and I almost died laughing

This was the best one:

 

"A few weeks after my son, Weston, was born, we hit an unusually warm spell in early October, so I decided to put a fan in his window to keep him cool. When I went to check on him during his nap, I found him surrounded by a swarm of mosquitoes, and I saw that I'd forgotten to put the window screen back in when I installed the fan. So then, in my sleepless state, I sprayed him with bug repellent from head to toe, including his hands, which he immediately used to rub his eyes. Already cranky because I'd woken him up, he now started screaming because of the spray in his eyes. I was so panicked that I never even thought of just wiping him off with a damp washcloth. Instead, I put his poor little head under the running faucet. But that just made him cry harder: It was bad enough being woken up and getting bug spray in his eyes, but now his mother was drowning him in the sink. It ended up with me on the kitchen floor crying and my poor husband coming in and trying to console both me and the baby, who at this point has, amazingly, survived his first two years."
— Liz, Illinois

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay... she says.

Hmm... she says... yes, you're right, we are out of them. All I have left is this display model

Sure honey! She says, and starts filling out the paperwork

YES.

 

 

 

He is looking outside thinking maybe it's out there already

 

This is the second time in a week that I have to confess that I have stolen pictures

But it's times like these that my theivery comes in handy!

 

 

 

Which made me think: oh ya, he is the same age as Michael! I forgot that!

Which made me think of this picture:

Michael and John Cameron

Still doing the same things

Even 19 years later

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

We have cause to celebrate kids

It doesn't say when it will be open

But... brace yourselves...

There is a WinCo being built

RIGHT BY MY HOUSE

I couldn't be more excited

because I LOVE

So I must admit

It's freaking hysterical

and it is even scheduled to be recorded every day

So I won't miss it

Since it comes on late

It's nice because it's only 1/2 hour long

And just a good mix of funny politics

Obviously some are better than others

But here is one of the best so far:

(For some reason it won't embed the video--it's being retarded, so just go there and it should work)

I love my dog

But since we have lived here in this house

He has gotten out to

"take himself for a walk"

(as HM says)

almost 10 times now

 

We usually find him somewhere along our walking route

Spending some quality time

peeing on bushes

and walking into people's garages

 

Today I was watering and doing things outside

And walking in and out of the house

And in my pregnant forgetfulness

Put Andre in the house for a minute

While I did something

 

Forgetting that the front door

was wide open

I finished about 15-20 minutes later

And walked in to see the open front door

And said a few choice words...

 

Usually HM finds him pretty fast

So being by myself I felt worried already

And more and more so as I circled around...

Little kids walking around...

People on bikes...

Guys washing their cars...

No one seemed distrurbed

 

Tick... Tick... more time passes

and 20 minutes later

I go back to the house

To get my phone

Because I remembered optimistically

That Andre's tags have my cell phone number on them

   

 

So I leave again

Another 20 minutes.....

Nothing

 

I'm trying to keep breathing

And not cry

as I look and look

 

Finally

My phone RINGS

My first words were:

 

So Andre is back

He was just around the corner

Dirty and tired

And now I feel more mad than anything

I think we might have BBQ dog tonight...

a bit belated, but I just got the pictures

I think these pictures are hysterical!

Poor kids--newborn pictures always seem to show them shocked and surprised

 

Despite that you haven't thrown anything away for over 12 years

and you don't even remember what is in there

Go through all your stuff!

Make your mother go through all the stuff with you

remind her that anything she hasn't used in 12+ YEARS

Because she will want to

but you need to help her by coaching her through it

 

And when you get to the box of Recipe Books

That where her moms

And that have been sitting there since her mom passed away 10 years ago

And vow to make her a little book

of recipes that she will actually use

and that everyone can actually use

instead of letting them sit in a dusty box in the garage

  

 

Make piles outside--piles for garbage, camping, tools and clothes

Make your father actually admit that he isn't going to use all these random materials

And that the people whose house he fixed 8 years ago

Probably don't need any of this stuff he is keeping as a "just in case"

And after doing this for three days

When you still have a pile of "Keeper Stuff" that looks like this

At least count your blessings

That now at least you can walk through your garage

and actually open the door without being afraid

That something will topple onto your head

From the piles of junk that reach to the ceiling!

 

Set everything out the night before

Because despite what you may think

And you can't just do it that morning

You'll need EVERYONE'S help to even do this

 

And when you mother stays up ALL NIGHT

to "guard" all the junk

Because she's worried someone might steal it

Count your blessings in a weird way

Because this means she will be asleep all morning

And won't be so upset to see you selling off her precious items

for 25 cents....

Let your Dad sulk about the fact

that you are selling off all his junk

and put everything out

Even when it might appear that you are opening up for business

And figure that at some point

Someone will try to buy something

And your mother will lament about it and say it's really not for sale

and try to take it back

even though she hasn't used it in 10 years...

and the customer will storm off cussing...

  

 

Also, convince them to sell their old junker car

That no one has driven for over a year

and when the fourth person to be interested in it

offers to pay you that second

and don't tell him you are waiting for so-and-so to call back

Take the money and let him take it away!

      

 

Have your daughter in law there to translate for you

Since most of your "customers" will not speak English at all

And will look nervously at the five white people standing there

Until she steps forward to talk to them

She'll have a great time hanging out and talking to everyone in Spanish

Even in the heat and being 8 months pregnant

  

 

Realize that despite how many people came to your Yard Sale

The sheer volume of your junk

was too much for friendly Sat morning shoppers to cart away

Even when you hold the yard sale for three days

Bag it up

Box it up

And throw more stuff away

And then schedule for GoodWill, or the Salvation Army

or ANYONE

to come and get it

Under no circumstances

Do you put ANYTHING BACK

into the garage

  

  

When you are a teenager

And you crash your dad's truck

The one he just got two weeks ago

And that he is so proud of

And when you just got your license a week ago

These are some things that you should NOT say

When you have to tell him about it:

 

(especially when it is)

 

 

 

 

I am very blessed

I have a husband who can fix ANYTHING

And who also knows how to restore furniture

And repaint furniture so it looks like new

And so it all matches

And most importantly

He does all this of his own accord

He doesn't let things sit around for years

And not get done

But he brings stuff home

fixes it

and we use it within a week or so

it's so nice

And I know that not all wives can boast of this

 

I also have a husband who knows how to paint

and who does it well

And who is very VERY obsessed with details

And so when he does something

It looks PERFECT

And well, it better

Because that's what he does for a living

 

This last week we got a call from a guy in our ward

Friends of ours

Asking HM to come "help his wife" paint these two rooms

She is... 3 months pregnant?

And has a 2 year old

And was doing the painting herself

And he (the husband) was busy and couldn't help her

And she was having a rough day with it

So of course HM did

And I went with him because we had to do most of it late at night

and I just felt bad because I thought

Who can make things that look thrashed

Look new again

 

So here are a few things, to all those wives out there

Who don't have a perfectionist painter for a husband

These are things that I do differently NOW

because I have watched HM do them

And a lot of the mistakes I have seen are things that I would have done myself

Had I not had HM to teach me better

So here are a few words of advice, from the Painter's Wife:

 

 

I'm sure it didn't help

that I was already in a bad mood annd

that I was shopping for SOMETHING to wear

to Tigger's swimming pool bday party

and not being happy or that successful

About finding something to wear

Already cried tired pregnant tears

earlier that day

about even having to go

To a SWIM party

at 8 1/2 months pregnant

and being all sensitive about everything

 

HM was with me the first time

and he suggested

in his innnocence

that I get a longer dress

If I was a normal minded person right now

But as a pregnant tired person

I about started to cry right there

And finally did after fuming about it for a little while

 

*sigh*

pregnancy might look so cute these days

as everyone tells me

but it really doesn't feel that cute sometimes....

especially when you are trying to find swimwear...

or rather...

swimwear that doesn't make you look as big as a house

because you already feel that big normally

no need to add more to the fire...

  

---

Also, after much convincing

HM and I are taking a childbirth class

Our 2nd class was today

it's taught by this really cool old lady

no clue how old she really is

but she looks like maybe 70s?

Imagine your grandma: that's her

and she's been doing this forever she says

I think she really has...

 

but it's going well

but we have to go to two different classes

because the shower was during the 1st Sat class

So we went to one on Tuesday

Then a different group today (saturday)

then back to the first group Tuesday

Then back to the other group next Saturday

it all works in the end I guess

 

Anyway, I didn't really want to go

But HM wanted me to go

Said for my first baby, why not?

It would help

And I must say it has been educational

And even interesting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

You know on "The Princess Bride"

When Buttercup has just been "married" to the Prince

And she's walking back to the room w/her new "in-laws"?

 

She kisses the old guy on the cheek

And he says: "What was that for?"

And she says: "Because you've always been so kind to me,

And I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite"

He pats her hand and says, very sweetly:

"Won't that be nice."

(more excited about telling his wife: "she kissed me!")

 

That's who my doctor reminds me of

Unfortunately he doesn't have the laugh

But the nonchalant manner when I tell him anything

is always met with a smile and a kinda

"Won't that be nice" kinda reponse

It's hysterical

 

At this last appointment

He asked me if Sadie ever woke me up at night by her kicking

Not really I said, except when I had the flu this last week

And threw up three times in one night

She woke me up then

I don't think she was too happy

He smiled and continued on with what he was doing...

(isn't that nice, he seemed to say)

 

Last month when it was over 100 degrees

My feet were getting all swollen from teaching all day

And he noticed of course

And we talked about it for a second

And he told me that the swelling was normal

And there wasn't really much to be done

"This is just one of the crummy parts of being pregnant" he said

 

Did he just use "crummy" in a real adult conversation???

That was my first thought

Hysterical...

---

Anyway, Sadie is about 5 1/2 pounds now

Doing good and growing fast

I only have about a month left!

My belly is getting bigger

And walking is more and more difficult

Or should I say my shuffle/waddle

is more and more humourous to watch

 

I have to go to this teacher workshop this week

which involves a lot of sitting down for about 40 minutes

Then getting up to walk to the next session

and then doing it all again

A lot of people I know

But many I don't

 

And as I walk from place to place

I keep thinking to myself:

Man, I am getting pregnant

I feel like a character in a play

 Only I can't stop...

 

I get in lines and people bump my belly

And I apologize

Always thinking to myself: how did you hit that? Was it really out that far????

 

Women smile at me

Younger men look nervous around me

Older men smile fondly

And all the women want to ask me the same four questions: